Motherhood
by Jennie
Summary: She shouldn't have left. Sort of a continuation to "Dream a Little Dream", but not...written over a year later. Linda reflects on her pregnancy.


**Title:** Motherhood  
**Author:** Jennie  
**Characters:** Linda Downey, mentions of Leander Hastings  
**Fandom:** Heir Trilogy by Cinda Williams Chima  
**Rating:** G  
**Prompt:** _listening to fear_ from LJ community **31days**  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. I am merely borrowing the characters and do not intend to make any profit.  
**AN:** I've been rereading this series the last week, and I had to write about it. Sort of a continuation/monologue to **Dream** **a Little Dream**, but can also be read separately.

* * *

She shouldn't have left.

She leans back in her seat, a hand poised on her still flat stomach. She takes deep breaths, trying to keep away the tears that threaten to fall at any moment. The train is bumpy and loud, but it's the fastest (and most anonymous) way to get away. The Roses won't find her, the Traders won't find her, _he_ won't find her- and that's all she needs.

If she _does_ stay, gets off the train and turn around, starts fighting again- she can't- it won't- the baby won't be safe. She's nine weeks pregnant and starting to feel it. She doesn't know if it's a boy or a girl, or what they'll look like or what stone they will carry. She doesn't know if they'll be reserved, like their father, or more outgoing like she is (or was, until this all happened). She can't possibly begin to imagine what it will be like to hold this child in her arms, kiss it on the cheek, watch it grow.

But she knows the baby deserves a chance at life.

And if she stays, she can't guarantee that.

She's afraid. Worried. Panicked. Doubtful. Lost. The first dream she had after she learned she was pregnant was not of how wonderful it would be to have a child, but how awful it would be to lose one. She sees Jessamine Longbranch sweep in and grab her child away- holding it just out of her grasp as she reaches towards it. She sees a little boy with black curls losing a fight as a blast of Wizard Fire erupts around him. She sees herself cradling Leander's head, as their child bears down upon them with a horrible curse. The scenarios are endless- and they all end in death.

If she keeps the child, she's putting it into danger. Whether danger from the Roses, the Traders or itself, she doesn't know. What she _does_ know is that loving this child is a risk, _carrying_ this child is a risk- but it's a risk she has to take. She will not destroy her unborn son or daughter. She may have to give him or her up. She may have to retreat from their lives for their safety. But she _will_ give this child a chance to live, a chance to grow, a chance to make something out of itself.

The only way she can do that is if she runs.

She's giving in. She's running. She's destroying everything she built up, everything she cares for- but it's worth it for her child. Lee- well, Leander will be furious if he finds out. But once, just this once, she wants to be selfish. She doesn't want to worry about what he will think, what he will do when he finds her missing from their bed one morning. She doesn't worry about the sleeping potion she put into his tea taking effect, because she knows he trusts her. She _tries_ not to worry about what her disappearance will do to him, after he allowed himself to love her, after he's lost everything else.

She completely ignores what he will do, if he ever learns the truth.

She has to give him up. And in thirty weeks time, she'll have to give up her child too.

_I'm letting them win_, a pesky voice in her mind whispers, as green fields and dark woods pass by. Who "them" is, she isn't sure of, just that it's a very unpleasant feeling. However it's not as if she has a choice.

Her choices are to keep the child, keep her family- and risk them all to fates too terrible to even consider. Or she gives up her child and watches them grow from afar, as the child has a normal life- or as normal as a child can have with a Weir Stone and absent parents. But they won't have to worry about getting hunted or killed- and that is what it makes it all worth it.

She steadies her breathing, closes her eyes. She's on a train to nowhere in particular, just a way to get away.

And someday, when this is all over- she can go back and claim him or her.

But for now, she gives in.


End file.
